Remember Me As a Quitter

According to the American Lung Association,

smokers die significantly earlier than nonsmokers:

13.2 years for men and 14.5 years for women.

I have smoked on and off for at least a decade.  I have quit (no cheating involved) three times in my life, all out of necessity.  The first time was in 2008, when I found out I was pregnant with my son.  I remained completely smoke-free following Luke's birth and throughout my maternity leave.  I lit up the day I returned to work in May 2009.  The second time was in April of 2010, when I was diagnosed with a huge pneumonia in my left lung.  I did not flick my lighter again until August of 2010 following a particularly bad day at work.  My most recent attempt to quit was in September of 2010 after the little word "pregnant" on the home pregnancy test announced that Sarah would be joining our family in May 2011.  Again, not a puff of smoke until I was driving to work for my official first day back from maternity leave in July 2011. 


Can you see the pattern?  It is pretty clear to me.  Stressors in life are inevitable.  Quitting work is not an option;  however, quitting smoking is. 


I am currently enrolled in my employer's Smoking Cessation program.  My counselor suggested that I start a project to fill my "smoking time" and I decided to start this blog.  Since you are reading this, I will assume you are supporting my decision and I am very, very grateful for the boost of morale you are giving me by sharing your time!  I cannot promise that my posts will always be fascinating but I DO promise that I will be completely and totally honest with you.  I will log my mood changes, successes, thoughts, and, of course, when I slip and have a cigarette.  I will do at least one post per week for the next six months (at a minimum) and I will try not to turn each one into a novel.  Bear with me for the first one - I have a lot to say!

  

Who Am I?

My name is Jenn Palmer.  I am 32 years old.  I have been married to my husband, Steve, for three and a half years.  We have two beautiful, healthy children.  My son, Luke Benjamin, is three years old.  My daughter, Sarah Grace, is nine months old.  We live in Delaware.  I work for a very busy neurologist.  Overall, I really enjoy my job, but, like everyone else who is employed, I have very good days and very bad days.

My husband is not a smoker and does not have a history of smoking. He strongly dislikes my habit.     

Why Do I Smoke?


Simply, I like doing it!  I love the camaraderie of lighting up with friends while we gossip or complain (we call it "venting").  It is an excuse to escape work (and my kids) for a little while.  Smoking helps me focus and concentrate when I am faced with a difficult situation.  It helps me relax.  It occupies my time while I am driving.   Driving down the road with the windows rolled down, radio turned up, and a lit cigarette in my hand gives me a sense of happiness and freedom after I drop my children off in the morning.  I have a compulsive hand-to-mouth habit that smoking fulfills.  I am a person who thrives on routines and it is a part of my daily rituals.  It is also a reason for me to swing by a convenience store in the morning to refill my coffee, grab a soda for the day, get some breakfast, and chat with the people behind the counters.  All in all, it is something that is completely, totally, and 100% mine and only mine.  I will not share it with my husband or children and I am not required, expected, or encouraged to do so in any way. 

So Why Quit?


I wish I could say to you "I decided to quit because I am thinking about my children and their future and my health, etc.".  That would be a major lie.  I am very selfish about my time when it comes to smoking and needed major interference when it came to my decision to quit. 


My children played a huge factor in my decision to quit smoking, but I was motivated in a different way.  A few mornings in a row I offered a half-hearted prayer to God asking what He wanted me to do.  I did it more out of what I thought was an obligation (meaning I figured that was what He wanted to hear) than a true desire to quit.  He knows me - He knows my heart and the reality of the thoughts running through my mind.  It is impossible to fool or BS God.  He knows the reasons I like to smoke and He also knows how thick-headed, stubborn, and dense I can be.   

One morning, God gave me a clear, definite answer that said "STOP".  I had a friend I smoked with.  I looked forward to our time every morning and enjoyed chatting and lighting up with her.  One morning I invited her outside and she said that she had quit cold turkey.  This was completely out of the blue.  I had no idea this was something she was even considering.  As I congratulated her and walked away, I could not help but shake my head.  God had responded to my prayer by shaking up my routine and taking away my smoking buddy.  Within the next few days I discovered that another friend of mine, a long-time smoker, had decided to quit as well.  I got the hint and called Employee Health.


After realizing that it was time to nix this habit, I discovered additional reasons to quit:


1.  Many studies document how harmful smoking is to a child's health.  Exposure to second-hand smoke is the leading cause of childhood illnesses such as asthma, bronchitis, pneumonia, ear infections, and even Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). 


Despite the "special smoking jacket" I wear, I know I am still exposing my children to third-hand smoke.  Third-hand smoke is "generally considered to be residual nicotine and other chemicals left on a variety of indoor surfaces by tobacco smoke... [it is] thought to react with common indoor pollutants to create a toxic mix... of cancer-causing substances, [which poses] a potential health hazard to nonsmokers who are exposed to it, especially children" (definition provided by Lowell Dale, MD).  There are pending studies about the full effect of third-hand smoke on children. 


I know that some of the toxins seep through the jacket and into my clothing.  I do think about this when I pick my daughter up or give my son a good snuggle after shedding my jacket and washing my hands.


2.  I can not teach my children that smoking is bad and they should not do it if I am smoking.  I refuse to be a "do as I say and not as I do" mother.  I can picture this conversation with Luke and Sarah clearly in my mind (with a good finger wagging) - "Smoking is bad, it can kill you, it is so hard to stop, it will ... hold on, kids, I will be back.  We will continue this conversation when Mommy is done lighting up."  


3.  IT.IS.EXPENSIVE!  I did the math and was so surprised that I redid my calculations.  I thought for sure I had hit an extra digit somewhere.  I will break it down.  Depending on where I go, I spend anywhere from $5.75 to $7.00 per pack of cigarettes and usually smoke two packs in about two and a half days.  My calculations are based on paying $6.50 per pack and smoking 16 cigarettes per day.

• 33 cents - price per cigarette
• $5.28 - amount I pay per day to smoke
• $36.96 - amount I pay per week to smoke
• $147.84 - amount I pay per month to smoke
• $1,921.22 - amount I pay per year to smoke

Yeah, I thought that, too.  My goal is to take Steve, Luke, and Sarah to Walt Disney World in November 2013 to celebrate our five year wedding anniversary.  Figuring I am saving $147.84 from March 2012 to November 2013, I will have an extra $2956.80 for the trip.  There is a lot of child-spoiling that will occur with that amount of saved money! 

4.  Smoking is a habit and addiction that I am embarrassed to have and admit.  It took a lot for me to really put all of my thoughts on a public forum.  I would like to think that my family and some of my friends had absolutely no idea that I smoke.  I was proven wrong the other day.  I can not describe how mortified I felt.  I hate buying cigarettes.  I will not buy them in the presence of my kids.  I judge myself as a bad mother every time I ask for that little green and silver box. 

5.  I am worried about how I smell.  We have all had the pleasure of encountering a smoker who smells like an old, stale, unwashed ashtray.  I do not want to be that person.  Smoking has dulled my sense of smell and I am unable to tell just how smoky I smell.  I keep a bottle of musk in my car and spritz after I am done; however, nothing can really cover the smell so I am subjecting those around me to a musky, smoky smell.  I work in an environment where strong smells can trigger medical conditions such as migraine headaches. 


I can smell the nicotine on my hands no matter how hard or how often I scrub. I have only felt Sarah's gums a few times in the search for new teeth.  It scares me to think that I could be putting the nicotine into her mouth and body. It is crushing to know that I cannot check a simple milestone of growth and development in my baby girl for fear that I may poison her with my smoking.  Out of every reason I have listed, every fact and statistic I have spouted off, this is the one that made the tears fall.  I am not forced to smoke;  therefore, my own choice to smoke is limiting me.


6.  For me, it is not as simple as a two or three minute smoke break.  I estimate that I take about three to four hours out of my day for smoking and smoking-related routines.  That is a LOT of time right there.  When I consider that I am spending about 28 hours per week smoking it frightens me to think that I am wasting more than an entire DAY weekly and nearly five days monthly.  Amazing, right?  This is time that I can dedicate to my children, my health, my marriage, and housework (hooray.).


7.  My health is affected by my smoking.  I have shortness of breath walking up a flight of stairs.  I have a chronic "throat tickle".  I cough when I lay down.  I have had an increase in the amount of colds and sinus infections.  I have had to use asthma inhalers, nebulizer treatments, and antibiotics to clear the symptoms related to smoking.  Last summer I started Luke in an introductory program for soccer.  It is a parent/child class.  It was hard chasing an energetic two-year-old up and down a full length soccer field because I could not catch my breath.  In late March he is enrolled to start another soccer program, again a parent/child class, and I want to be able to at least chase him around without feeling like my chest will explode.  I have no grand ideas of actually keeping up with him but would at least like to hold my own on that field. 




Thank you for again and again for reading this.  I know it is very, very long and I truly appreciate the time and patience you have given me.  I would love to read any feedback you would like to give, both positive and negative.  My quit date is March 1, 2012.  My next blog will describe how I am quitting and what I am doing to prepare for it.


A special thank you goes to Kathy for her enthusiasm and encouragement so far - your energy motivates me and I enjoy finding new ways to help myself!

Many blessings for a wonderful, healthy day!

Jenn Palmer