Down With The Sickness

March 11th to March 25th

I smoked two cigarettes on Sunday, March 11th.  Sunday night I developed what I thought was a simple cold.  Luke and Sarah each had a cough and runny nose and I figured they were nice enough to share with me.

I woke up Monday morning at my usual time of 3:45 am.  I had a deep cough, achiness, and shortness of breath (SOB).  Luke joined me downstairs at 4:00 am.  His cough was a little worse than the night before and he had a slight wheeze.  Luke has a nebulizer to treat seasonal wheezing (we use this about two to three times per year).  I pulled out our trusty nebulizer, loaded it with Albuterol, and we snuggled in the recliner.  I figured the nebulizer treatment could not hurt my breathing and decided I would treat with Luke.  As we watched Phinneas and Ferb, Luke and I passed the nebulizer wand back and forth in an innocent version of "puff, puff, pass".  Luke sounded much better but I still felt a little breathless.  I grabbed some Mucinex and Tylenol, hopped in the shower, dressed the kids, strapped them in their car seats, and hit the road.  The drive to my in-laws left me increasingly tired and weak with every mile.  I left the nebulizer with my father-in-law so Luke could get treatments throughout the day. 

I drove to work.  I pulled in the parking lot and sat there for a minute or two.  I realized that I could not muster the strength to get out of my car and go into the building.  I called my boss from the parking lot and headed home.  I had to sit in my driveway for about ten minutes before I could get out of the car to go inside.  I grabbed my jammies and fell into a deep sleep on the couch for the next six hours.

I picked up the kids around 4:45 pm after swinging by the pharmacy for more Albuterol and Mucinex.  The pharmacy tech told me how awful I looked and told me to go home and go back to bed.  I laughed/coughed.  I got the kids home and let them play as I laid on the couch, too weak to move or play with them.  It was Steve's birthday and I had picked up his favorite cake from Cold Stone.  I was so sick I could not even eat a peice of cake so I helped Luke and Sarah with theirs.  Steve did the pre-bedtime prep - changed diapers and pull-ups, brushed teeth, fixed a bottle, and searched for Sarah's binky.  I dragged myself off the couch and up the stairs and then collapsed into bed for a restless sleep.

Tuesday morning my alarm went off at 3:20 am.  I hit snooze a few times and then finally reset my clock to 4:30 am.  When I got up again, I realized I was still too sick to work.  I called out and called my father-in-law to pick up the kids.  At 7:45 am I flopped onto the couch and snoozed.  Steve was not feeling well either and came home around 8:00 am.  I dozed off and on throughout the day.  I woke up in the afternoon coughing hard.  I sounded like a crazy, barking seal in heat.  With each cough, my low back spasmed and I feared my sternum and ribs would crack in half.  I felt like I was locked in a bear hug that compressed my lungs and squeezed my breath from me. 

Luke spent Tuesday night at my in-laws and Steve brough Sarah home around 6:00 pm.  I still felt pretty weak.  I could tell Sarah was not feeling well either since she was not in too much of a mood to play.  We snuggled on the couch together.  That night, Sarah developed a croup-y type cough that woke her from her sleep and shook her little body.  I had Steve start the shower at this highest possible temperature to create a steam room for her.  She was snoozing peacefully when the bathroom was ready so I let her be.

Wednesday morning I called our family doctor at 9:01 am and scheduled an appointment for her.  I decided to schedule one for myself since I had to go in with her.  My father drove us to the doctor since I was too weak to drive.  The doctor took one look at me - hacking, wheezing, and pale, and one look at Sarah - playing, smiling, and cooing on my father's lap.  It took about 10 seconds to diagnose Sarah (a viral cough most likely brought on by laying down or crying).  The doctor listened to my lungs and determined that she could not hear respirations.  I had a nebulizer treatment in the office.  She determined that I had walking pneumonia/bronchitis/asthma and started me on a Z-pack.  She suggested that I continue the nebulizer treatments at home and take the rest of the week off.

I was so surprised.  I honestly did not think I had anything more than an upper respiratory infection.  I asked if she thought this was brought on by decreasing my smoking and she told me that she felt it was more incidental.  I was hoping that she would tell me that I should go back to smoking to clear this respiratory problem up.  No such luck - she told me to stay on the patch and chuck the cigarettes I kept stashed in my purse.  I went home and actually took her advice.  I pulled out my scissors and cut up the remaining eight cigarettes I was holding on to.     

I am amazed that, despite my inability to breathe, the urge to smoke was still there, demanding that I light a cigarette and inhale.  One would think that I would have a magic desire to immediately cease.  In fact, Monday, driving from work to the house, I debated the consequences of having a cigarette.  If I had the strength to reach into my purse and flick my lighter I may have still lit up.  Even Tuesday and Wednesday (and the remainder of the week) I wanted to smoke so badly.  I was angry and annoyed that my lungs had betrayed me.  The nicotine withdrawal was awful, even with the patch slapped on my arm.    

I am slowly feeling better.  I continue to wheeze and have occasional shortness of breath.  A little activity robs me of my breath and strength.  Even sitting on the couch folding clothes can be difficult.  My kids still need me and sometimes simple play makes me want to crawl back in bed for a few hours.  I want to be back to normal.  I just want to feel well!

I am pleased to report that I have not had one cigarette since March 11th.  My "Since iQuit" cigarette tracker shows that, as of this post (March 27th), I am 2 weeks, 1 day, 11 hours, 29 minutes, and 2 seconds free of cigarettes.  In addition, by not smoking 247.66 cigarettes, I have saved $96.74.  It has not been easy.  I am glad that I cut up my cigarettes.  I know I would have lit up by now.

I am trying my hardest.  I can take a deeper breath now (even though I still feel like someone is sitting on my chest!).  When I am feeling 100% better, I know I will have more energy and an ability to actually walk up the stairs without needing to stop and catch my breath.  It feels great to know that I do not need to worry about a smoky haze surrounding me.  I smell like soap and shampoo again - not a combination of musk and tobacco.  Granted I still wash my hands like a madwoman, but now it is to prevent spreading illness.  I have been able to feel Sarah's new teeth in her mouth without concern about lingering tobacco on my hands.  The other day I fed her a peice of banana.  She bit me so hard that I thought she actually drew blood.  It was then that I realized what I was doing.  I could see four little teeth indents on my pointer finger.  That little action helped me see what I was gaining by losing the cigarettes.  It also taught me a valuable lesson about how sharp infant teeth can be!

I can not wait to post next week and give you my non-smoking update.  It should be an interesting post - Luke's first soccer lesson is on Saturday morning.  Lets see just how easy I am breathing after our 50 minute session.  Please keep my in your prayers.  Your support has been amazing and I thank each and every one of you who has emailed, texted, and commented.  It is motivating me to keep this up. 

Until then, breathe deeply my friends!

Jenn Palmer



    

Patches, Pills, and Feeling Ill

* Please note- this post is for the week of March 4th through March 11th.  I was finally able to finish and edit this entry last night.  Reasons will be discussed in my next post.  I hope this clears up some confusion!

DISCLAIMER - this post is about the products and methods I have tried and am currently implementing in my life.  Some of the things I am doing are unconventional.  I am discussing my personal journey.  What is working for me may not work for another person.  I am also not recommending or discouraging use of any smoking cessation products.  Please speak with your doctor or smoking cessation counselor about which option is best for you.  I do suggest that you register with the smoking cessation website listed at the bottom of the page.

I was asked "Why don't you just quit?". Wow. REALLY?! Brilliant idea! If it was that easy I would be an ex-smoker by now. I would have stopped months ago. I would not have started again.

I have a confession - I have no will power.  I hate to admit it, but that is the truth.  In fact, I am fairly sure that when I was made my Creator ran out of will power and gave me extra padding instead.  I can talk myself into or out of just about anything.  While this may sound like a positive trait, I am usually encouraging/discouraging myself to do the opposite of what is best for me.  I can rationalize anything.  I know that it will take a lot more than the decision to stop smoking for me to actually quit - and quit for good.

I started my journey by changing a few of my habits.  The very first thing I did was delete Angry Birds from my phone.  Okay, stop laughing.  Angry Birds and smoking were a natural combination for me.  I think it encouraged me to smoke because I needed the extra concentration to kill those horrid, laughing pigs.  It also provided comfort when I failed to kill all of the pigs by flinging little cartoon birdies.  I changed the music I listen to while driving.  Certain songs make me want to light up so I stopped listening to them.  I changed the type of coffee I drink.  After I made a few adjustments, I decided to pursue some of the smoking cessation products available.

First step - I tried a smoking cessation medication.  I read the enclosed medication educational materials that came with the medication.  Side effects listed included increased hostility, depression, agitation, anger, panic, and behavioral changes.  The medication warned that if you have a history of depression, anxiety, or other mood disorders it could worsen your symptoms.  Despite my long history of depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders, I decided I would try it anyway.  I figured that since I wanted to stop smoking I (and my current anti-depressant medication regimen) could handle a little frustration because it would be worth it when I quit in the end. 

I took the first pill on a Sunday.  I noticed an immediate decrease in my urge to smoke and was very pleased.  I was little more annoyed than usual in the mornings but, again, decided to persist because I knew it was best to stop smoking.  By Friday, I was out of control.  My agitation level was through the roof.  Everything angered and irritated me.  The simplest things set me off.  I snapped at friends and family and was generally unpleasant to be around.  Be assured that I had no homicidal or suicidal feelings, no plans, no intent to hurt myself or anyone else.  I was just so MISERABLE that I personally could not even stand myself! 

On Friday night, I had a wakeup call.  My son and daughter were in the living room and I was in the kitchen.  A mere plastic baby gate separated us.  They were acting like ... well, like a toddler and an infant.  My son was singing (at the top of his lungs - amazing how such little lungs can make such a loud sound!) and my daughter was fussing for Mommy.  I remember thinking "Wow, I really can't stand either one of you right now".  With this realization, I went up to the bedroom, cried and beat the mattress, and made the decision that I would not take one more dose of that medication.  I had great hopes for the medication and felt so disappointed that I could not use it.  I had to make the best decision for myself and my family and I know I did the right thing. 

I have talked to others who have used the same medication.  Despite their personal history of depression or other mood disorders, they had wonderful success.  They were a little agitated in the beginning but did not report the same intensity of symptoms that I did. 

Next step - nicotine gum.  What a treat.  After three complete chews I was so nauseous that I had to spit it out. It took five minutes of deep breathing, stale diet Coke, and tears to feel slightly better.  I believe I had a nicotine overdose.  If you have never experienced this, I pray you never do.  It is awful!  I would rather have three months of first trimester pregnancy nausea than have another nicotine overdose. 
   
Third and current step - patches.  The craving is still there.  BIG TIME.  However, I know that I cannot go back.  I have to persist and move forward.   Despite the warnings, I still smoke with the patch on (please refer to above disclaimer).   I usually smoke one cigarette and stop. I know it is bad to smoke with the patch on and the potential for nausea due to nicotine overdose, heart attack, stroke, and so on is on my mind with each puff and it makes it so much easier to stop after the first. 

I have also registered with two smoking cessation websites. I prefer becomeanex.org. They actually have an iPhone app (only 99 cents) that allows you to track your cigarettes. It logs the date and time, number of cigarettes, trigger (coffee, mornings, stress, driving, relaxing, etc), and your urge level (mild, moderate, strong, very strong). The nice thing about this app is that it is on my iPhone, which is usually in my hand while I am smoking.  There is no excuse to not log the cigarette. At first I was very uncomfortable. It made me accountable and I did not like that. I hated seeing the actual number of cigarettes I smoked daily.  By logging each cigarette and my urge level, I began to see that after the first cigarette, which had an urge level of strong or very strong, the subsequent urge levels were usually mild or moderate. I realized that I was smoking just to smoke. I was not smoking because I had an urge - I needed something to do. I find it is easier to stop after the first one when I take a few moments to really assess my urge level. The first Saturday and Sunday after downloading the app, I smoked a combined total of 19 cigarettes. Moinday I smoked 8. Tuesday I smoked 6. Wednesday through Friday, I smoked 4. A week later, on Saturday and Sunday, I smoked 2 each day. 


I am waiting a little longer each day to smoke my cigarette.  I used to light up in the morning while backing down my in-laws' driveway after dropping my kids off.  Now, I wait.  I get my coffee on the way to work and love the coffee/cigarette combination.  I now wait until I eat my breakfast, let the coffee cool down a little bit, and then have my cigarette about 10 minutes before I have to go inside the building and start my work day.  I can only have one at that point or I will be late for work.  I have it with my cup of coffee like I want it.  My urge level is very, very strong but I am still proud of that one little act of will.  Instead of my usual four in the morning, I have one.  I have implemented this plan throughout the day.  I wait as long as possible to light up.  I also make sure that my circumstances allow me to enjoy it as much as possible since I am only having one (such as having a really good cup of coffee on hand).  I have stopped smoking while I drive - I am doing this to occupy my time and it is too easy to grab one after another.  Lollipops and candy canes are satisfying the hand-to-mouth desires. 


I am almost completely smoke-free.  It is very difficult.  I just can't seem to let go of that one or two cigarettes I allow myself each day.  Hopefully, by my next post I will report that I am done.  Friends, nicotine is a drug.  It is a major addiction.  It is a horrible drug addiction to have.  Non-smokers - do not ever start.  Family/friend/coworker/child, etc. of a smoker who is trying to quit - please be very patient.  You can only go so far on good intentions. 


If you are a smoker who is considering stopping, please know that it is not easy.  It is a decision that has to be made with firm dedication and resolve.  Half-hearted attempts will not allow success.  It is upsetting and frustrating to stop.  You will be in a bad mood and angry at the world.  The thought of smoking will consume you and torment your every waking hour.  Knowing that you are making your life better will only carry you so far.  Your stress level will be much higher and the little things that really don't make a difference will seem like major catastrophic events.  I am there with you.  I understand this.  I wish I could offer a solution that will make it all better.  If I find it I will share it.  I will, however, be more than willing to be a sounding board if you need someone to yell at. 

I can only keep my eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel.  I know that one day I will be completely and totally smoke-free.  I want that lifestyle.  But it will take some time to get there.

Until then, breathe deeply.

Jenn Palmer 

PS - I strongly encourage you to sign up for this website -

becomeanex.org

I find it to be supportive but not overbearing!

Remember Me As a Quitter

According to the American Lung Association,

smokers die significantly earlier than nonsmokers:

13.2 years for men and 14.5 years for women.

I have smoked on and off for at least a decade.  I have quit (no cheating involved) three times in my life, all out of necessity.  The first time was in 2008, when I found out I was pregnant with my son.  I remained completely smoke-free following Luke's birth and throughout my maternity leave.  I lit up the day I returned to work in May 2009.  The second time was in April of 2010, when I was diagnosed with a huge pneumonia in my left lung.  I did not flick my lighter again until August of 2010 following a particularly bad day at work.  My most recent attempt to quit was in September of 2010 after the little word "pregnant" on the home pregnancy test announced that Sarah would be joining our family in May 2011.  Again, not a puff of smoke until I was driving to work for my official first day back from maternity leave in July 2011. 


Can you see the pattern?  It is pretty clear to me.  Stressors in life are inevitable.  Quitting work is not an option;  however, quitting smoking is. 


I am currently enrolled in my employer's Smoking Cessation program.  My counselor suggested that I start a project to fill my "smoking time" and I decided to start this blog.  Since you are reading this, I will assume you are supporting my decision and I am very, very grateful for the boost of morale you are giving me by sharing your time!  I cannot promise that my posts will always be fascinating but I DO promise that I will be completely and totally honest with you.  I will log my mood changes, successes, thoughts, and, of course, when I slip and have a cigarette.  I will do at least one post per week for the next six months (at a minimum) and I will try not to turn each one into a novel.  Bear with me for the first one - I have a lot to say!

  

Who Am I?

My name is Jenn Palmer.  I am 32 years old.  I have been married to my husband, Steve, for three and a half years.  We have two beautiful, healthy children.  My son, Luke Benjamin, is three years old.  My daughter, Sarah Grace, is nine months old.  We live in Delaware.  I work for a very busy neurologist.  Overall, I really enjoy my job, but, like everyone else who is employed, I have very good days and very bad days.

My husband is not a smoker and does not have a history of smoking. He strongly dislikes my habit.     

Why Do I Smoke?


Simply, I like doing it!  I love the camaraderie of lighting up with friends while we gossip or complain (we call it "venting").  It is an excuse to escape work (and my kids) for a little while.  Smoking helps me focus and concentrate when I am faced with a difficult situation.  It helps me relax.  It occupies my time while I am driving.   Driving down the road with the windows rolled down, radio turned up, and a lit cigarette in my hand gives me a sense of happiness and freedom after I drop my children off in the morning.  I have a compulsive hand-to-mouth habit that smoking fulfills.  I am a person who thrives on routines and it is a part of my daily rituals.  It is also a reason for me to swing by a convenience store in the morning to refill my coffee, grab a soda for the day, get some breakfast, and chat with the people behind the counters.  All in all, it is something that is completely, totally, and 100% mine and only mine.  I will not share it with my husband or children and I am not required, expected, or encouraged to do so in any way. 

So Why Quit?


I wish I could say to you "I decided to quit because I am thinking about my children and their future and my health, etc.".  That would be a major lie.  I am very selfish about my time when it comes to smoking and needed major interference when it came to my decision to quit. 


My children played a huge factor in my decision to quit smoking, but I was motivated in a different way.  A few mornings in a row I offered a half-hearted prayer to God asking what He wanted me to do.  I did it more out of what I thought was an obligation (meaning I figured that was what He wanted to hear) than a true desire to quit.  He knows me - He knows my heart and the reality of the thoughts running through my mind.  It is impossible to fool or BS God.  He knows the reasons I like to smoke and He also knows how thick-headed, stubborn, and dense I can be.   

One morning, God gave me a clear, definite answer that said "STOP".  I had a friend I smoked with.  I looked forward to our time every morning and enjoyed chatting and lighting up with her.  One morning I invited her outside and she said that she had quit cold turkey.  This was completely out of the blue.  I had no idea this was something she was even considering.  As I congratulated her and walked away, I could not help but shake my head.  God had responded to my prayer by shaking up my routine and taking away my smoking buddy.  Within the next few days I discovered that another friend of mine, a long-time smoker, had decided to quit as well.  I got the hint and called Employee Health.


After realizing that it was time to nix this habit, I discovered additional reasons to quit:


1.  Many studies document how harmful smoking is to a child's health.  Exposure to second-hand smoke is the leading cause of childhood illnesses such as asthma, bronchitis, pneumonia, ear infections, and even Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). 


Despite the "special smoking jacket" I wear, I know I am still exposing my children to third-hand smoke.  Third-hand smoke is "generally considered to be residual nicotine and other chemicals left on a variety of indoor surfaces by tobacco smoke... [it is] thought to react with common indoor pollutants to create a toxic mix... of cancer-causing substances, [which poses] a potential health hazard to nonsmokers who are exposed to it, especially children" (definition provided by Lowell Dale, MD).  There are pending studies about the full effect of third-hand smoke on children. 


I know that some of the toxins seep through the jacket and into my clothing.  I do think about this when I pick my daughter up or give my son a good snuggle after shedding my jacket and washing my hands.


2.  I can not teach my children that smoking is bad and they should not do it if I am smoking.  I refuse to be a "do as I say and not as I do" mother.  I can picture this conversation with Luke and Sarah clearly in my mind (with a good finger wagging) - "Smoking is bad, it can kill you, it is so hard to stop, it will ... hold on, kids, I will be back.  We will continue this conversation when Mommy is done lighting up."  


3.  IT.IS.EXPENSIVE!  I did the math and was so surprised that I redid my calculations.  I thought for sure I had hit an extra digit somewhere.  I will break it down.  Depending on where I go, I spend anywhere from $5.75 to $7.00 per pack of cigarettes and usually smoke two packs in about two and a half days.  My calculations are based on paying $6.50 per pack and smoking 16 cigarettes per day.

• 33 cents - price per cigarette
• $5.28 - amount I pay per day to smoke
• $36.96 - amount I pay per week to smoke
• $147.84 - amount I pay per month to smoke
• $1,921.22 - amount I pay per year to smoke

Yeah, I thought that, too.  My goal is to take Steve, Luke, and Sarah to Walt Disney World in November 2013 to celebrate our five year wedding anniversary.  Figuring I am saving $147.84 from March 2012 to November 2013, I will have an extra $2956.80 for the trip.  There is a lot of child-spoiling that will occur with that amount of saved money! 

4.  Smoking is a habit and addiction that I am embarrassed to have and admit.  It took a lot for me to really put all of my thoughts on a public forum.  I would like to think that my family and some of my friends had absolutely no idea that I smoke.  I was proven wrong the other day.  I can not describe how mortified I felt.  I hate buying cigarettes.  I will not buy them in the presence of my kids.  I judge myself as a bad mother every time I ask for that little green and silver box. 

5.  I am worried about how I smell.  We have all had the pleasure of encountering a smoker who smells like an old, stale, unwashed ashtray.  I do not want to be that person.  Smoking has dulled my sense of smell and I am unable to tell just how smoky I smell.  I keep a bottle of musk in my car and spritz after I am done; however, nothing can really cover the smell so I am subjecting those around me to a musky, smoky smell.  I work in an environment where strong smells can trigger medical conditions such as migraine headaches. 


I can smell the nicotine on my hands no matter how hard or how often I scrub. I have only felt Sarah's gums a few times in the search for new teeth.  It scares me to think that I could be putting the nicotine into her mouth and body. It is crushing to know that I cannot check a simple milestone of growth and development in my baby girl for fear that I may poison her with my smoking.  Out of every reason I have listed, every fact and statistic I have spouted off, this is the one that made the tears fall.  I am not forced to smoke;  therefore, my own choice to smoke is limiting me.


6.  For me, it is not as simple as a two or three minute smoke break.  I estimate that I take about three to four hours out of my day for smoking and smoking-related routines.  That is a LOT of time right there.  When I consider that I am spending about 28 hours per week smoking it frightens me to think that I am wasting more than an entire DAY weekly and nearly five days monthly.  Amazing, right?  This is time that I can dedicate to my children, my health, my marriage, and housework (hooray.).


7.  My health is affected by my smoking.  I have shortness of breath walking up a flight of stairs.  I have a chronic "throat tickle".  I cough when I lay down.  I have had an increase in the amount of colds and sinus infections.  I have had to use asthma inhalers, nebulizer treatments, and antibiotics to clear the symptoms related to smoking.  Last summer I started Luke in an introductory program for soccer.  It is a parent/child class.  It was hard chasing an energetic two-year-old up and down a full length soccer field because I could not catch my breath.  In late March he is enrolled to start another soccer program, again a parent/child class, and I want to be able to at least chase him around without feeling like my chest will explode.  I have no grand ideas of actually keeping up with him but would at least like to hold my own on that field. 




Thank you for again and again for reading this.  I know it is very, very long and I truly appreciate the time and patience you have given me.  I would love to read any feedback you would like to give, both positive and negative.  My quit date is March 1, 2012.  My next blog will describe how I am quitting and what I am doing to prepare for it.


A special thank you goes to Kathy for her enthusiasm and encouragement so far - your energy motivates me and I enjoy finding new ways to help myself!

Many blessings for a wonderful, healthy day!

Jenn Palmer