Down With The Sickness

March 11th to March 25th

I smoked two cigarettes on Sunday, March 11th.  Sunday night I developed what I thought was a simple cold.  Luke and Sarah each had a cough and runny nose and I figured they were nice enough to share with me.

I woke up Monday morning at my usual time of 3:45 am.  I had a deep cough, achiness, and shortness of breath (SOB).  Luke joined me downstairs at 4:00 am.  His cough was a little worse than the night before and he had a slight wheeze.  Luke has a nebulizer to treat seasonal wheezing (we use this about two to three times per year).  I pulled out our trusty nebulizer, loaded it with Albuterol, and we snuggled in the recliner.  I figured the nebulizer treatment could not hurt my breathing and decided I would treat with Luke.  As we watched Phinneas and Ferb, Luke and I passed the nebulizer wand back and forth in an innocent version of "puff, puff, pass".  Luke sounded much better but I still felt a little breathless.  I grabbed some Mucinex and Tylenol, hopped in the shower, dressed the kids, strapped them in their car seats, and hit the road.  The drive to my in-laws left me increasingly tired and weak with every mile.  I left the nebulizer with my father-in-law so Luke could get treatments throughout the day. 

I drove to work.  I pulled in the parking lot and sat there for a minute or two.  I realized that I could not muster the strength to get out of my car and go into the building.  I called my boss from the parking lot and headed home.  I had to sit in my driveway for about ten minutes before I could get out of the car to go inside.  I grabbed my jammies and fell into a deep sleep on the couch for the next six hours.

I picked up the kids around 4:45 pm after swinging by the pharmacy for more Albuterol and Mucinex.  The pharmacy tech told me how awful I looked and told me to go home and go back to bed.  I laughed/coughed.  I got the kids home and let them play as I laid on the couch, too weak to move or play with them.  It was Steve's birthday and I had picked up his favorite cake from Cold Stone.  I was so sick I could not even eat a peice of cake so I helped Luke and Sarah with theirs.  Steve did the pre-bedtime prep - changed diapers and pull-ups, brushed teeth, fixed a bottle, and searched for Sarah's binky.  I dragged myself off the couch and up the stairs and then collapsed into bed for a restless sleep.

Tuesday morning my alarm went off at 3:20 am.  I hit snooze a few times and then finally reset my clock to 4:30 am.  When I got up again, I realized I was still too sick to work.  I called out and called my father-in-law to pick up the kids.  At 7:45 am I flopped onto the couch and snoozed.  Steve was not feeling well either and came home around 8:00 am.  I dozed off and on throughout the day.  I woke up in the afternoon coughing hard.  I sounded like a crazy, barking seal in heat.  With each cough, my low back spasmed and I feared my sternum and ribs would crack in half.  I felt like I was locked in a bear hug that compressed my lungs and squeezed my breath from me. 

Luke spent Tuesday night at my in-laws and Steve brough Sarah home around 6:00 pm.  I still felt pretty weak.  I could tell Sarah was not feeling well either since she was not in too much of a mood to play.  We snuggled on the couch together.  That night, Sarah developed a croup-y type cough that woke her from her sleep and shook her little body.  I had Steve start the shower at this highest possible temperature to create a steam room for her.  She was snoozing peacefully when the bathroom was ready so I let her be.

Wednesday morning I called our family doctor at 9:01 am and scheduled an appointment for her.  I decided to schedule one for myself since I had to go in with her.  My father drove us to the doctor since I was too weak to drive.  The doctor took one look at me - hacking, wheezing, and pale, and one look at Sarah - playing, smiling, and cooing on my father's lap.  It took about 10 seconds to diagnose Sarah (a viral cough most likely brought on by laying down or crying).  The doctor listened to my lungs and determined that she could not hear respirations.  I had a nebulizer treatment in the office.  She determined that I had walking pneumonia/bronchitis/asthma and started me on a Z-pack.  She suggested that I continue the nebulizer treatments at home and take the rest of the week off.

I was so surprised.  I honestly did not think I had anything more than an upper respiratory infection.  I asked if she thought this was brought on by decreasing my smoking and she told me that she felt it was more incidental.  I was hoping that she would tell me that I should go back to smoking to clear this respiratory problem up.  No such luck - she told me to stay on the patch and chuck the cigarettes I kept stashed in my purse.  I went home and actually took her advice.  I pulled out my scissors and cut up the remaining eight cigarettes I was holding on to.     

I am amazed that, despite my inability to breathe, the urge to smoke was still there, demanding that I light a cigarette and inhale.  One would think that I would have a magic desire to immediately cease.  In fact, Monday, driving from work to the house, I debated the consequences of having a cigarette.  If I had the strength to reach into my purse and flick my lighter I may have still lit up.  Even Tuesday and Wednesday (and the remainder of the week) I wanted to smoke so badly.  I was angry and annoyed that my lungs had betrayed me.  The nicotine withdrawal was awful, even with the patch slapped on my arm.    

I am slowly feeling better.  I continue to wheeze and have occasional shortness of breath.  A little activity robs me of my breath and strength.  Even sitting on the couch folding clothes can be difficult.  My kids still need me and sometimes simple play makes me want to crawl back in bed for a few hours.  I want to be back to normal.  I just want to feel well!

I am pleased to report that I have not had one cigarette since March 11th.  My "Since iQuit" cigarette tracker shows that, as of this post (March 27th), I am 2 weeks, 1 day, 11 hours, 29 minutes, and 2 seconds free of cigarettes.  In addition, by not smoking 247.66 cigarettes, I have saved $96.74.  It has not been easy.  I am glad that I cut up my cigarettes.  I know I would have lit up by now.

I am trying my hardest.  I can take a deeper breath now (even though I still feel like someone is sitting on my chest!).  When I am feeling 100% better, I know I will have more energy and an ability to actually walk up the stairs without needing to stop and catch my breath.  It feels great to know that I do not need to worry about a smoky haze surrounding me.  I smell like soap and shampoo again - not a combination of musk and tobacco.  Granted I still wash my hands like a madwoman, but now it is to prevent spreading illness.  I have been able to feel Sarah's new teeth in her mouth without concern about lingering tobacco on my hands.  The other day I fed her a peice of banana.  She bit me so hard that I thought she actually drew blood.  It was then that I realized what I was doing.  I could see four little teeth indents on my pointer finger.  That little action helped me see what I was gaining by losing the cigarettes.  It also taught me a valuable lesson about how sharp infant teeth can be!

I can not wait to post next week and give you my non-smoking update.  It should be an interesting post - Luke's first soccer lesson is on Saturday morning.  Lets see just how easy I am breathing after our 50 minute session.  Please keep my in your prayers.  Your support has been amazing and I thank each and every one of you who has emailed, texted, and commented.  It is motivating me to keep this up. 

Until then, breathe deeply my friends!

Jenn Palmer



    

Patches, Pills, and Feeling Ill

* Please note- this post is for the week of March 4th through March 11th.  I was finally able to finish and edit this entry last night.  Reasons will be discussed in my next post.  I hope this clears up some confusion!

DISCLAIMER - this post is about the products and methods I have tried and am currently implementing in my life.  Some of the things I am doing are unconventional.  I am discussing my personal journey.  What is working for me may not work for another person.  I am also not recommending or discouraging use of any smoking cessation products.  Please speak with your doctor or smoking cessation counselor about which option is best for you.  I do suggest that you register with the smoking cessation website listed at the bottom of the page.

I was asked "Why don't you just quit?". Wow. REALLY?! Brilliant idea! If it was that easy I would be an ex-smoker by now. I would have stopped months ago. I would not have started again.

I have a confession - I have no will power.  I hate to admit it, but that is the truth.  In fact, I am fairly sure that when I was made my Creator ran out of will power and gave me extra padding instead.  I can talk myself into or out of just about anything.  While this may sound like a positive trait, I am usually encouraging/discouraging myself to do the opposite of what is best for me.  I can rationalize anything.  I know that it will take a lot more than the decision to stop smoking for me to actually quit - and quit for good.

I started my journey by changing a few of my habits.  The very first thing I did was delete Angry Birds from my phone.  Okay, stop laughing.  Angry Birds and smoking were a natural combination for me.  I think it encouraged me to smoke because I needed the extra concentration to kill those horrid, laughing pigs.  It also provided comfort when I failed to kill all of the pigs by flinging little cartoon birdies.  I changed the music I listen to while driving.  Certain songs make me want to light up so I stopped listening to them.  I changed the type of coffee I drink.  After I made a few adjustments, I decided to pursue some of the smoking cessation products available.

First step - I tried a smoking cessation medication.  I read the enclosed medication educational materials that came with the medication.  Side effects listed included increased hostility, depression, agitation, anger, panic, and behavioral changes.  The medication warned that if you have a history of depression, anxiety, or other mood disorders it could worsen your symptoms.  Despite my long history of depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders, I decided I would try it anyway.  I figured that since I wanted to stop smoking I (and my current anti-depressant medication regimen) could handle a little frustration because it would be worth it when I quit in the end. 

I took the first pill on a Sunday.  I noticed an immediate decrease in my urge to smoke and was very pleased.  I was little more annoyed than usual in the mornings but, again, decided to persist because I knew it was best to stop smoking.  By Friday, I was out of control.  My agitation level was through the roof.  Everything angered and irritated me.  The simplest things set me off.  I snapped at friends and family and was generally unpleasant to be around.  Be assured that I had no homicidal or suicidal feelings, no plans, no intent to hurt myself or anyone else.  I was just so MISERABLE that I personally could not even stand myself! 

On Friday night, I had a wakeup call.  My son and daughter were in the living room and I was in the kitchen.  A mere plastic baby gate separated us.  They were acting like ... well, like a toddler and an infant.  My son was singing (at the top of his lungs - amazing how such little lungs can make such a loud sound!) and my daughter was fussing for Mommy.  I remember thinking "Wow, I really can't stand either one of you right now".  With this realization, I went up to the bedroom, cried and beat the mattress, and made the decision that I would not take one more dose of that medication.  I had great hopes for the medication and felt so disappointed that I could not use it.  I had to make the best decision for myself and my family and I know I did the right thing. 

I have talked to others who have used the same medication.  Despite their personal history of depression or other mood disorders, they had wonderful success.  They were a little agitated in the beginning but did not report the same intensity of symptoms that I did. 

Next step - nicotine gum.  What a treat.  After three complete chews I was so nauseous that I had to spit it out. It took five minutes of deep breathing, stale diet Coke, and tears to feel slightly better.  I believe I had a nicotine overdose.  If you have never experienced this, I pray you never do.  It is awful!  I would rather have three months of first trimester pregnancy nausea than have another nicotine overdose. 
   
Third and current step - patches.  The craving is still there.  BIG TIME.  However, I know that I cannot go back.  I have to persist and move forward.   Despite the warnings, I still smoke with the patch on (please refer to above disclaimer).   I usually smoke one cigarette and stop. I know it is bad to smoke with the patch on and the potential for nausea due to nicotine overdose, heart attack, stroke, and so on is on my mind with each puff and it makes it so much easier to stop after the first. 

I have also registered with two smoking cessation websites. I prefer becomeanex.org. They actually have an iPhone app (only 99 cents) that allows you to track your cigarettes. It logs the date and time, number of cigarettes, trigger (coffee, mornings, stress, driving, relaxing, etc), and your urge level (mild, moderate, strong, very strong). The nice thing about this app is that it is on my iPhone, which is usually in my hand while I am smoking.  There is no excuse to not log the cigarette. At first I was very uncomfortable. It made me accountable and I did not like that. I hated seeing the actual number of cigarettes I smoked daily.  By logging each cigarette and my urge level, I began to see that after the first cigarette, which had an urge level of strong or very strong, the subsequent urge levels were usually mild or moderate. I realized that I was smoking just to smoke. I was not smoking because I had an urge - I needed something to do. I find it is easier to stop after the first one when I take a few moments to really assess my urge level. The first Saturday and Sunday after downloading the app, I smoked a combined total of 19 cigarettes. Moinday I smoked 8. Tuesday I smoked 6. Wednesday through Friday, I smoked 4. A week later, on Saturday and Sunday, I smoked 2 each day. 


I am waiting a little longer each day to smoke my cigarette.  I used to light up in the morning while backing down my in-laws' driveway after dropping my kids off.  Now, I wait.  I get my coffee on the way to work and love the coffee/cigarette combination.  I now wait until I eat my breakfast, let the coffee cool down a little bit, and then have my cigarette about 10 minutes before I have to go inside the building and start my work day.  I can only have one at that point or I will be late for work.  I have it with my cup of coffee like I want it.  My urge level is very, very strong but I am still proud of that one little act of will.  Instead of my usual four in the morning, I have one.  I have implemented this plan throughout the day.  I wait as long as possible to light up.  I also make sure that my circumstances allow me to enjoy it as much as possible since I am only having one (such as having a really good cup of coffee on hand).  I have stopped smoking while I drive - I am doing this to occupy my time and it is too easy to grab one after another.  Lollipops and candy canes are satisfying the hand-to-mouth desires. 


I am almost completely smoke-free.  It is very difficult.  I just can't seem to let go of that one or two cigarettes I allow myself each day.  Hopefully, by my next post I will report that I am done.  Friends, nicotine is a drug.  It is a major addiction.  It is a horrible drug addiction to have.  Non-smokers - do not ever start.  Family/friend/coworker/child, etc. of a smoker who is trying to quit - please be very patient.  You can only go so far on good intentions. 


If you are a smoker who is considering stopping, please know that it is not easy.  It is a decision that has to be made with firm dedication and resolve.  Half-hearted attempts will not allow success.  It is upsetting and frustrating to stop.  You will be in a bad mood and angry at the world.  The thought of smoking will consume you and torment your every waking hour.  Knowing that you are making your life better will only carry you so far.  Your stress level will be much higher and the little things that really don't make a difference will seem like major catastrophic events.  I am there with you.  I understand this.  I wish I could offer a solution that will make it all better.  If I find it I will share it.  I will, however, be more than willing to be a sounding board if you need someone to yell at. 

I can only keep my eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel.  I know that one day I will be completely and totally smoke-free.  I want that lifestyle.  But it will take some time to get there.

Until then, breathe deeply.

Jenn Palmer 

PS - I strongly encourage you to sign up for this website -

becomeanex.org

I find it to be supportive but not overbearing!